I was contemplating for a while wether I should blog about this. But it’s something that is really bothering me and caused a minor break-down this morning. This will be a quite personal post.
Jealousy is one of my flaws. I know it and I admit it. My ambitions are rather on the unhealthy side which has a lot to do with my upbringing (as in “if you are The Best, The Smartest, The Slimmest, The Prettiest – whatever, you name it – you are loved more”). I’m mentioning this to show how deeply these feelings are rooted and that – eventhough I got a lot better about it – could never quite shake them off.
What does this have to do with WoW you ask?
I’ve been playing WoW for a couple of years now. Due to my natural curiosity I discovered a lot and could usually help my guildies out with my knowledge or tell a story or anecdote or show them some hidden gems around the game. However, one day another girl joined our guild who quickly became the person to ask for anything you wanted to know about the game. It was ok at the time, she spent way more time in the game than I was able to and naturally knew more.
I was still the achievement hunter, I was really good at that. I knew all about achievements, I loved to farm them – especially the trickier ones. I was achievement-girl, that was my place, that’s what I was good at. During raids I was no longer way up there with the Top-DPS like I used to; because you know, I had to step down from raiding due to RL. But it was ok. I did ok, not extraordinary so, but I was fine.
I was still achievement-girl. But it slowed down, because there were less and less achievements I could go about by myself. Everything I missed were Raiding or PVP achievements. About the raiding or even the dungeon ones there wasn’t much I could do about – I needed a group for that or even a full raid, but RL prevented that for me. I even took up PVP – I hate PVP, but I did it in small doses and would stop when it started to make me agressive. But hey, I got one or the other Achievement that way.
Today I saw that said girl overtook me by far with the achievements.
Yes, I cried bitterly – because it felt as if my place, my right to be and who I am in the guild was taken away from me. Who am I now? I’m nothing special, I don’t know as much, I don’t play as good as she does. I feel so devastated that I begin to be and think unfair and mean. In one corner of my mind I know that I’m being ridiculous. After all, it’s just a game, a hobby. She’s well loved in the guild and I’m so incredibly jealous, because now she is everything that I once used to be.
Where does this leave me? The bitter, old Hunter sitting in the corner of the pub, drinking too much Dwarven Beer and talking about better days?
I’m really quite devastated and this is why I write this – because it helps me soothe my mind. For a moment I even thought that now I can give the game up completely. I’m no use at it anyways. And the guild doesn’t need me either, they have her. (Yes, I know, ridiculous thoughts… )
I’m not quite sure how to proceed. I even don’t know how to face her. Because right now, I can’t do it gracefully. I’m the worst loser there is.